Late Breaking Election News

Jon Bonine's photo.

This is Brett Baier with a FOX NEWS ALERT, little known LCMS Pastor Michael Schmidt of Natoma, Kansas is now the President of the United States. Late last night, in an election that will forever be remembered, Schmidt won the 109th District State Representative in Kansas. At 3AM EDT, President Obama, Vice President Biden, the entire Cabinet and the entire US Congress resigned. At which point people went to the Constitution and discovered little known article 39, which says that in such an instance, the names of all elected officials are placed in a hat, one is drawn, and that person is the new President and can organize the government anyway he wants. At 6AM EDT, Schmidt’s name was drawn. We now go live to Natoma, Kansas to hear from the new President of the United States.

My fellow Americans, the events of the past 24 hours have come as an immense surprise to me, and the burden that has been placed upon me is great. I was not expecting this, as I did not begin to campaign until 9:30AM on Election Day. However, I accept the challenge to make this nation great. As most Americans, I know exactly what to do. In the comings months, I will have more detailed plans and announcements, but here are some early things you should make note of.

  1. In sports, the commissioners are fired. Soccer has been deported, with the understanding that we will not play anymore NFL, NBA, or MLB games in Europe, and they won’t send us anymore soccer. The NCAA has been dissolved. Rev. David Knefelkamp will oversee all sports, college and professional in the United States, except for MLB, which I will oversee with new commissioner Keith Olbermann.
  2. As to foreign policy, the following countries no longer exist: Russia, China, Iraq, Iran, Syria, and Afghanistan. Mexico has been claimed by the United States and divided into 5 new states. A predator drone has destroyed the United Nations, it also no longer exists.
  3. Several domestic policy issues. All schools are closed until January 1. On December 2, there will be a nationwide election, in which communities will vote for whether they would like a Lutheran school, a Catholic school, or a charter school. School will reopen for all children under new structure and leadership on January 6th. Rev. Jon Bonine will be overseeing school matters from this time forth.
  4. All colleges are closed immediately. Private colleges may reopen on January 6. As for state schools, each state will be allowed 1 state school per ten million residents. No one will be allowed to attend a 4 year college until 1 full academic year after graduating high school, unless they test in by proving themselves to be geniuses.
  5. The resignations of Justices Kagan, Sotomayor, Kennedy, Ginsburg, and Briar have been accepted. Alberto Gonzalezes has been appointed, others will be appointed later this week.
  6. Abortion is now illegal in every case. Planned Parenthood no longer exists, and its president has been put in jail.
  7. Homosexual marriage is now illegal, all said marriages are null and void.
  8. Weekends are now for families only. Any school scheduling an event on Saturday will be closed. Any youth sports league scheduling an event on weekends will be dissolved. Rev. Phil Hoppe has been appointed to oversee the encouragement of family time.
  9. The following states have been liquidated to pay off their debts: Michigan, New York, California and Illinois. However their debts are significantly less as I have also abolished unions and pensions at all levels. The teachers union and the teamsters union presidents have been put in jail. Paul Ryan will be overseeing the balancing of budgets in those states.
  10. A few odds and ends: the Coast Guard has been merged with the Navy. Social Security and welfare no longer exist. Health care no longer is tied to employment, and is now available across state lines, tort reform has been enacted. The ANWAR is now open for drilling; coal is now legal; the Keystone Pipeline has been approved; the National Parks have all been privatized. The EPA no longer exists. Rev. Phil Augustine is now secretary for the state.

This has been quite the surprise, and I am sure more will need to make some more changes as we go along. I look forward to serving for life in this role; may the Lord bless us as we move forward.

About revschmidt

An LCMS Pastor in North-Central Kansas
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